I thought i already broke free but i was wrong. I still miss you all this awhile. You are my one and only cup of bliss. My hot chocolate and Mon cheri. I dun say dun mean i dun. I dun behave that way dun mean i fcuking dont care. I kept quiet. I kept it to myself but right now, i cant hold no longer. You are everything t me ever since 121205. Baby, you are my special one.
Oh, Love never knew
what I was missing
but I knew once we started kissin'
I found LOVE!
Feminine Weakness hit me right at the back of my mind. I'm in a mess right now. I enjoyed the mess. I love the kink but now i'm sinking.
I dint want to play the clown. It all happened. My intentions when it comes to you. to us. came naturally. The force led me to you and you to me. Now that you walked away. I may choose to skip you right now but you still make my heart skip a beat. I wanted you to stay but i ended running away. Away from all. from you. I tried to hide. but too tired to hide.
Things happened for a reason. we wonder and could have change. but we choose not to. Other times we blame in on ourselves. and all that had been done cant be undone. What had past had already past. No point crying over spilled milk.
I know i had bid farewell but all i feel inside was oh well, nothing . Nothing that i can do to. I cant be selfish to hold on. cause till the end, you will still turn your back at me and move on.
The fusion pot of emotions. cause when i looked at you. you aint looking my way. You will never miss water until the well runs dry.
Jess+
I dint want to play the clown. It all happened. My intentions when it comes to you. to us. came naturally. The force led me to you and you to me. Now that you walked away. I may choose to skip you right now but you still make my heart skip a beat. I wanted you to stay but i ended running away. Away from all. from you. I tried to hide. but too tired to hide.
Things happened for a reason. we wonder and could have change. but we choose not to. Other times we blame in on ourselves. and all that had been done cant be undone. What had past had already past. No point crying over spilled milk.
I know i had bid farewell but all i feel inside was oh well, nothing . Nothing that i can do to. I cant be selfish to hold on. cause till the end, you will still turn your back at me and move on.
The fusion pot of emotions. cause when i looked at you. you aint looking my way. You will never miss water until the well runs dry.
Jess+
Sometimes things shd be left unsaid. Quirky the best word to describe my fatal indulgence. Carelessly. Had been listening to alot of class 95 in the early morning. On my way to work. In the big yellow boat. Those sentimental emotions that i never knew i hold. Deceiving never existed actually. From all the testing of romance water, excessive exposure to the media brought me this far. so far away from where i shd be standing.
I tried to breach the distance with people i feel close with. I let my guard down when i'm not suppose to. Irrational as always, The constant fear of losing. The undesirable need of possess. The frequent visit of the green eyed monster. It's extremely boring. See a point? Call it not tasteful. Just plain.
Strength you see. Strength others see in you. two different kinds. Whats the whole point? Dangerously vulnerable vibes is all that you shdn't indulge in right now. The fusion pot shdnt be at the back of your mind. It shd be out of it. Let it go. Go with the flow. Have fun. Fcuk life. Move on!
I'm just gona act as numb as i could. I shd be happy. I shd be smiling. I shdnt be deceiving and my lap's being a bitch. Playing all the loves songs for no apparent reason. It did bring back some sweet moments. Ironically, it brought back the pain.
Le bébé peut je vous tiennent de nouveau
I dun like things this way.
It hurts so much.
That I cant control my emotions anymore.
Does everyone knows how much it matters?
Dont anyone ever care?
I thought things wont happen.
Assurances were all that was given.
look at it now, nothing.
funny as it sounds, funny as you think it's.
The game's getting too tiring for me.
cant i just stop everything.
Shattered pieces of my bleeding heart.
Father, stop my heart from beating.
Bring me right next to you.
the only place i wanna be right now
cause i know I'm safe.
Jess
It hurts so much.
That I cant control my emotions anymore.
Does everyone knows how much it matters?
Dont anyone ever care?
I thought things wont happen.
Assurances were all that was given.
look at it now, nothing.
funny as it sounds, funny as you think it's.
The game's getting too tiring for me.
cant i just stop everything.
Shattered pieces of my bleeding heart.
Father, stop my heart from beating.
Bring me right next to you.
the only place i wanna be right now
cause i know I'm safe.
Jess
i just want to work and i'm all about work.
working is now one of the few times i could be alone.
i have so much to think and
so much to cry about.
i feel like a total bitch.
hello C, if u're jealous about P treating me so nice.
get him.i dont even want him!
enough girl. you're hopeless.
i'm tired.
too tired.
i miss everything.
days at spinellie,rocky's.
peaceful and quiet life.
just me and jess.
Kinda sad that i will be spending my Valentine at work. Like hello! damn borin can! First time, seriously this first time my valentine's totally quiet. Maybe i shd take it lightly ayy. Probably i got a little affected thats to Media Romanticism. Not only class 95 was playing love songs
HELLO? what about singles out there who wants to have fun? Obivously if you are with your love one on is very special day, you ought to be happy but hello!!! not everyone's in love. Not everyone wants to be in one. Not everyone wants to love. Not everyone is loving the feeling of being in love.
Something that shd really change during this peroid of time. Valentine dun bring everyone happiness. It brings many memories and reminiscence takes place. I'M SO SICK OF LOVE SONGS! SO tired of tears.... why cant i turn off the radio?
Darling, imu*
Jess
this is when i got drunk and my girlfriend lost control of me. i'm too much of a camwhore*.
went liquid on fri night. rare to catch me there cos i hate trance and i dont know how to dance trance.my husband scored well for her o's and we went out to celebrate.dont we look like lover birds in the picture?
i look like a lobster and paul said that i'm a "wasted duck". gosh- i cant imagain how unglam i was last night.but at times is right to get drunk.i ain't happy.and i hope getting drunk will make me feel better.(a total bullshit!) just dont know how to face paul later. total madness. laughs. is always about friends and r/s, that i got myself into sucha state.yesh, is about juliet.sound so lesb.but i'm not. i just like her as my friend.
for you-
since we are not on pile, i should just let go.u busy with your life and vice verse.
got to go.claudia is waiting for me. she's cooking for me.the always hungry one.
everytime we see each other, everytime we msg each other, as time pass i realised you are not my cup of tea.being with you make me feel insecure, feeling empty and scare.this is not the kind of r/s i want.i want a normal kind of r/s.not a guy that is 24/7 by my side.you can have your life and i wont question about it.just make me feel safe when i'm with you.
but my crush.you* make me all of the above.i feel like a failure now.maybe i suit singlehood better.
my heart has stop beating for you*.
ALICIA'S.
Sorry, i dint know you were going thru the same thing as i'm. Guess we are both are in the same boat. Both equaly in denial. Just that we are both in 2 different situation. Like you are just in the beginning. Never put yourself into it. Never i dun want you to end up like me. I learnt my lesson. The fact that i won't play with fire again. Its burns! really bad. All that had left was goodbye. I tried to pick myself up but i couldnt see things far. Its just today day by day. Nothing esle. I dun dare to plan things far anymore cause i cant afford to die another day. My senses are lost in somewhere which i know i can never find them again. I dun want to inflict my misery onto others. I dun want to make my misery others. I tried to smile but its only for that min or 2. No longer than that. I'm sorry if you tried calling me or anything and i dint reply cause i seriously wanna be alone. I miss you i seriously do. Cause i know you are the clown in my life. You will make me happy and i'm feeling gulity that i'm not there when you needed me. Sorry for that. just wanna say thank you for standing by me. I just wanna be alone for the time being. love. but i miss you. Contradicting as it sounds. let's meet up soon
gradually i slowed down my footsteps, hoping that u will be on pile with me.when your attention is diverted to something else,my heart throbs.i like to be the centre of attention, i like you cause.. everything is beyond words can explain.naive- i shall not believe what my heart says.i should be alone,not another failed r/s nor a "not-suppose-to-be-together" r/s. stop day-dreaming,alicia.
my bottled-up feeling was exposed during work.tears sheded freely.i lost control of my self.the stress that no one knows.another deadly depression.people, stop asking me to be strong. cos' i know i am not.why must i act at if i am strong?why must i act at if i am fine alone?i am not.i swear i am not right.a photo frame fell and broke into pieces.before i can react,people stared at me.at that moment i know,is enough.i had enough.i cried.agnes and alex said i got a fright that why.but i know alex knows why.yes, i got a fright.on the other hand, i was stressed.all this may make no sense to anyone.cos' no one understand.when this happened,i hoped my crush was there for me.hopeful thinking is rubbish.silly he said.coming to realise,is all a bull-shit.
i need a break.i am drop-dead tired.physically and emotionally drained.
ALICIA.
A room with four walls. Pitched-dark. Nothing in sight. My eyes were blinded by nothing at all. I thought my soul was completely lost in darkness. A patch of black was all i see. I seeked for serenity. Imagine a big field filled with flowers dancing with the strong breezy wind. With the rays of little lights that brighten up the place with hues so vividly clear.
With a little excessive romanticism which could set a spirit free. Threholds of passion, the undesirable fatal attraction. It wont hurt abit cause all the numb one's feel is incomparible to thoughts of the heart. Passion, the simple game with nothing but acts in the realistic world. It's sacrifical. A fraud never counted for. not a facade.
Staying a distance just shows that it's rather one than a two-sided coin.
the other day-this is my the other half,jessica.(spinellie;heeren)
the confession-
the intimacy we shared,the kisses we had,i have fall in love before i know.maybe is just infatuation,it won't last.i came across this in a book,"looking for the positives in one another,instead of the faults, is one way couples can keep the romance alive."this phrase remind me of my enduring past relationship with this guy.i dont love him anymore.but it tells me that i should be sucha bitch when comes to relationship.i should give more than i take.that guy i have a crush on is not on pile with me.we are both two different world,i take notice for him and not to care about the rest.he's nice and yet irritating.things that he did before,i truely appreciate.maybe this is just a one-way thing.he has no feeling for me, nor a crush.he walked me to the bus-stop, and accompany me (indirectly) when i'm alone. cliche- the not me type. but i starting to appreciate it, and change my prespective and learn at the same time.i'm taking this lightly.as i do not want to get myself hurt.after knowing him, i realised i am those easy jealous kind. sound funny?but this is what my sister call it; love.
liquid room was fun.the usual.stepping into the club that is familiar,funny-yet-fcuktub things happened.not to mention name,but she shocked me.cause what she did last night,she had to face the consequences.wish her lucks.
friends indeed is a friend in need. believe it or not? i having doubts in everyone.starting to be defensive.long story again.i will update more about it tmr night.
I guess i will stick to the old me. The one who take things easy. The one who goes with the flow. I dun wanna think of anything esle right now. I just wanna be happy. What's mine eventually will be. I dun have to force. I dun have to cry. If our line dun meet or met it's up to God to decide. I dun want to interfere.
Even though everyone says that what you want you have to gain it yourself. I tried and apparently i'm seriously tired. Needless to say, there's nothing i can do if one choose to leave. I just wont beg to stay.
Darling, i think you shd look at things with an open mind too and i love you always.
Jess+
Nothing is PERMANENT in this wicked world.
-not even our troubles.
for all my closest one. ;miao;juliet;& especially my jessica baby.don't bottled up all your feeling inside you.i was once like this.& u guys told me this,"dont think so much","fcuk it!","not worth your tears.".again,all this is for you guys.
jessica hubby;
i don't know what's happening between you & her.but there one thing i will like you to know.u told me this once,i take everything very lightly now.not another chloe in my life.just go the flow,baby.you are not my burden, neither you are your friends.you belong to us,&me.someone i not ashame to be a fool in front.someone i enjoy with at all times.is a minor problem compare to the rest u gone through before.flings and all the craps you talked about before were a total shit.you fall in love even before you know.you are not a pain in whoever's neck.you are here to love and be loved.i'm sure all you need is calm yourself down & talk things out.not to worry.i'm always here.& yes.we will get ourselves drunk tomorrow.okay?i love you,my hubby.
another day gone blindly.devasted maybe the word for my day.i took all my muscles to frown today.no sales & lonely.but kindly dear father sent a angel to accompany me today.i looked forward for all his replied messages.will all this be short-lived?i wish it lasts.nice feeling grows as i know him longer.
this period of time was my happinest time.no heartbreak,no tears,no doubt and is all about love,;giving & taking.but seeing people around collasping.i just cant help it and be emotional.i was in love before, i suffered from heartbreaks too.i even had doubt in myself before.but at the end of the day,i know if i dont walked out of that pitch darkness in my life,i will never be happy.true,i had walked out of it but seeing you guys suffering,i pained my heart.be strong, all my girlfriends.whether rain or shine,i will be there for you.
no more tears for us.as we are big girls now.
My brillant life's over
I dunnoe how to relate my life to you. My life's screwed. I got no idea but its all emptiness i feel. I'm frustrated but i got nothing to vent. I want to cry but the tears just wont flow down. She's not talking and i hope she's fine. You have close friends you do and i envy you for that. Some friends of yours are true just that you ought to realise who.
I thought my life had reach its limit. The highest point. I was happy and sad to say everything's gone now. I dunnoe why i'm all into the so called dungeon again. I want to sleep and ever wake up. I dunnoe i just dun wanna be a burden in anyone's life but i'm lost in mine like how you're lost in yours. I know i need to pick myself up somehow but i just cant make myself do so. I dont want to be sober anymore. Darling lets drink as much as we can tmr night please. I'm sick and tired.
To let you know again, Darling, i will always be there for you as and when.
Jess+
i was told to be happy and what happened yesterday was past.but today i went out with my closest "freak" girl-friend.i started to have doubts and emotional within me.for that "freak",dont ever think u're the only one suffering.there's others that suffering too.just that they never show "that face" to you.talking about friends.do your think i have?i rarely have close friends.is all the "so-called" friends( acquaintences).and for your information, u're my closest one.
silly girl,is alright to lay on the bed whole day, no motion and think.cry all you want.but at least come out with a goal.i mean you can dont follow my footstep, going to a poly and study.going to a poly for me, is not to slack/waste my time.i know i can do something that is more productive.but it dont apply to everyone.so cheer up.& u have me.i'm all yours.
today,i went sun-tanning.& yet i'm not tan.i look fair!i want a tanned-skin on sat.(whatever.)
then, i went gab's place and gamble till tne plus.& all of us went ABC for supper.tehy played the slide games.& i video-cam it down.fun & yet silly.(= they are really the nice people.
omg- i have a stupid crush on this stupid person. or can say this "irritating" guy. infratuation- talk about it tmr. super tired now. =(
again,my blog is full of irrelevant stuff.starting work tomorrow.(sighs-)
the over-running of a writer's thought.i have so much to say& yet i do not know where to start.
recently, i felt so"fargile".smile flashes everywhere, to everyone.but nobody know what's behind that little door.tears streaming like waterfall.lying on the bed with tears running.no motion & numb.mentally tired, i guessed.
i chose not to share to close ones.i just want to be alone.seeking for some rest & peace.
;the untold chapter of my life.
Darling,
I dunnoe if you will be reading this cause i aint sure if you even know that i had completed doing up your blog. Apparently i tried calling your phone but you literally dint pick up. I dunnoe what's going on but i wanna let you know that you are not alone.
You still have us to pick you up somehow. Juliet and i will be there for you, I'm sure. Dun ever think that way alright silly one. You are the joy in my world and i never want the joy to go away. Please be strong. Noone will be to handle the emo devil but somehow we know within us that we hafta pick ourselves up. It's okay to reflect and tear for things that had been done but since there's no way to undone it. MOVE on. LEARN and never repeat the same mistake.
Its okay to lay in bed the whole entire night and cry. but keep it to that limit cause at the end of the day you will realise it's all useless. cast the burden away. Fcuk it! Remember this, you aint a failure no one is. It's just little tests/ obstacles that everyone have to go thru. have to overcome. have to conquer.
Silly one if you need someone to talk to at anytime of the day or night, always remember i'm here for you. loves. CHEER UP!!
Jessica+