fuck the whole world. i did nth to harm other couple. i got so sick of all this shit. thanks alot.
amazing. i never shed a tear today. maybe partially is cos' i'm so sick of everything. the issue to me seem numb. but everything seem positive now. i'm being my old-self again. cheerful and mad. i dont want anymore of those shit to bother me. yes, i love him alot and i cant bare to leave. i promise i will leave if the same thing happen again. i went out with darrell the whole day. spend the whole afternoon together. doing cliche stuff that young couple do. having luch at pepper lunch and catch a show over at cine. playing arcade together. no difference from any other couple on the surface. but who knows what's happening behind. auntie nancy called darrell this afternoon, i think she know about everything. but sometime i have to be selfish to think for myself. ain't it right? we do something tat i love alot which shopping at cold storage. all this are memories that hold me back. i know is shocking to know that i'm madly in love. breathing normally now, not suffocating like the past days. i told myself that i wont get bother by this again. hope wat i said, i will do it. we prepare dinner together. teerible. we make a mess outta of everything. but he was lovely enough to prepare dinner for me. till now, i still wondering am i doing the right thing. may god bless me. we somehow did talk about the matter. since he bought up the issue, somehow mean he cares. i haven been sleeping well this few night, wonder can i sleep tonight. i'm still lost, but i know i soon will find an ans to everything.
I can no longer hold the thoughts that filled my mind every night. The fear that stays in me. The emptiness that i felt. Many came. None left. I had been thinking about everything. The best thing is i'm assuming what my eyes can see. What's good, what's wrong. I saw that spark. You make it happen. Not me not i. but you. Lost was the only thing i felt. Lost without a soul. Lost without you.
Dear Wifey,
I dun know what you are gg thru right now. I know things are not gg well. Maybe because of her yet you aint tell me what but seriously think about it. You wanna hold on like forever? Do you think its right. Will u ever get use to life without darrell. Will you? Baby, think about it before you come to a conclusion. I dun want you to be like me. I acted on impluse. Now that i'm in this mess, i'm happy. Not because i'm in the mess i want to be. My life is not complete although everything is perfect yet i'm till missing what i shdnt be missing. What to do? Sighs. Anyways always remember i'm just a call away alright. Will always be there for you like the way you are there for me when things happened. I love you!
Jessica
why is this world so unfair?
why do i always suffer from a heartbreak?
why do i always get hurt when i'm willing to commit?
i'm nothing but a living zombie.
my tears run like the river.
i just a fool.
i feel like slashing.
but he dont deserve me doing so.
i was so happy to have him,
i wanna to hold me near to me.
but i was wrong.
i was played.
and when i got to know it,
feeling is deep that is so hard to ket it go.
i'm just like another girl.
nothing special.
no feeling involved.
i wan t be alone.
just leave me alone.
i'm nothing but a dead person.
i really love him alot.
i dont want to lose him.
i should have listen to my girlfriends.
i cant bring myself to hate him,
neither can u bring myself to love him once more...
when the pain get to deep, slashing feel good.
cia.
I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I told you what you are pleased to hear. I listen to every choice you made. What did i get in return? All forms of distrust from you. You said that i'm. I told you i'm not. You said you trust me. but you aint even giving me the best out of it. You lock me up. You shove me aside. You dont even care. You said you love me i know you do but look at the picture. I'm in pain not you. You assume things that are not true. You reacted the way you shdnt. I know i love you but do you care about how i feel? I'm still a teenager. I want to have fun. I know my limits but you always take me as a child. I know in your eyes i will always be but i need my space and believe you know that to. I'm who i'm today not because you taught me how. I went through things hard but you aint even bothered. You dont know what i went through cause all you see is the surface. I worked to get the best out of it. You were pleased but it's never fulfilling. I want to have fun with my friends. I want things to be the way it's but each time you walk through all. You curse and swear. You assume. You jump into conclusion. You care less about me. You divert your consent. You act as thought i dun belong to you. You love me but you dont know who i'm. You aint the one that i see. You aint the one who love me before. I know how naughty i can get but please you will never accept me ccause all you want is to see me cry. You listen to everyone expect your own daughter.
my heart breaks into a million pieces. am i taking things too hard? and got myself hurt in th end? i really want to cry. is just too bad for me to know the truth. i shouldnt live in denial.
pictures taken on my birthday.
let me intro you my friends. tim;joanne;auntie nancy; darrell and me (=
and the group picture consist of tim;joanne;me;darrell;auntie nancy;gabriel; leslie; celeste.
To Alicia Wifey,
It's not as though i cant let go or anything like that. I aint cursing. I just couldnt take it anymore. It's painful. The least that anyone can do is to console. to understand. but i dun know how to put it. I know you care alot for me but i guess this time around. I have to face it on my own. I have to go through this on my own. No one can help me. No one will be able to. I dunnoe how to put it down. I dun wanna put it down in words. I want to be the happy girl everyone perceive me to be. I want to be the bubbly yet sophasticated girl that i once was but this time round it's different. You know how much it affected me. It strucked me hard so hard. I'm struggling. Was i treated fairly? Not at all. Why? because its just a game for 2. I'm irrationale. I want to be irrational. I just dun want to be rational anymore. I'm tired. I dunnoe what to do. I feel as though i'm gg crazy. mentality disorder. My irregular emotion disorder. I need a break after gg thru all this for one year.
from Jess Hub
Is in love a miserable thing in life. i bet is a yes. cos' i'm in love and feeling terrible deep inside. is just so hard for me to commit and yet when i choose to, i fail terribly. tears and fear build up within me. scare of losing and being play out.
i fall in love with this nice guy. he bought me laughter and security at the first place but not now. i feel insecure, i scare of losing him. thou' true i have alot of guys ard me. but i nv want to unfaithful. did i make a wrong choice?
i just need ppl to secure verbally and nth else.
and i want to celebrate my birthday with him. and make it memorable.
i love everything about him. i promise that i really do.
for jess;
i dont know what u're going through and i doubt u want to talk to me about it. but i hope everything is fine. no point cursing but to let go and move on. i have moved on and i'm happy with darrell. he fills my mind and being with him is what i yearn to everyday.
i'm in love again.and i hope you to. u will find the right one. cos' god love us. and i love you.
there's sth going on ard me. comspiracy. kinda spice up my life. is never a game and hope is all about love. tame guys are wild within.
now i'm over at my baby's place. nice and cosy.
i'm so scare that auntie nancy dont like juliet and i think i had make a wrong choice.
Do you know what you are messing with? Believe me you deserve it. When you inflicted pain on others, do you know how it feels like? No you dont, You aint the one going thru. You aint the one suffering, You never once suffer. You never once did. All you went through was just nothing compared to mine. You screw my life up. You shdnt be happy. You shdnt be enjoying. You ought to be gulity for what you have done. No one did the things you did. No one played the game you played. No one dared. No one but you. You brought me up to the sky so high, yet let me fall and the clouds wont hold. I need to really flare it out. Cause i really cant hold any longer. I'm blowing out but not at you. Wonder why. I really wonder. Needless to say, you better be remorseful for all that you had done. cause till now you aint forgiven. Never will that happen. Not at all. You can just fcuking jump down the buliding and die. Cause your existance dont really matters anymore.
In a garden, many.
Like a rose that wont bloom
after endless time of nuture.
Stalk of torns, Sharp like blazor.
Careless touched, pricked.
Blood flown profusely.
Numb yet held inner pain, unbearable.
Not fatal. Not long-term but
short term wise, extreme.
Jess+
choices are laid in front of you. why do people still find themselves when they are care-free. i mean no trouble and yet they choose to find trouble for themselves.
sometimes i envy those people that have choices make for them or lay out for them.on the other hand, itchy backside, choose to find a diff route for thmeselves and ended at a dead end.
i may not be that fortunate like most people. i have to do everything myself. yes, is different for me and i'm struggling. but at least i know i 'm not like those people. i wont choose the dead end. or shall i put it in this way, i leave my choices wide and dead end is never one of the choice.
i'm not qualfied for the course i chose a month ago. i ended up nowhere now. due to the encouragement i have from those that care about me, i will not concede defeat at sucha early stage. past years and experiences had made me a difference person, a stronger one. i'm no more a weakling.
though, i creied like mad yesterday. you know why? cos' i'm in a unclear state. i cant think when i fail. but i though it thru, i'm going to get into any course i can and move upward. and turn out to be one of the best. (=
i had enough of tears and i hope that people around me get over it. and move on. we are not useless people. choices and our fate are in our hands.we can fight all obtacles.
laters,
alicia
Time, a killer of all disaster. When push comes to shove causing momentous tension building inside. Diversifying every namosecond just to cope with the acute pressure.
The greatest impact that's driving everyone insane. Collapsing at any points. Thats it! The journey ends. It takes alot of determination and perseverance to contiune this hectic journey.
Now here i stand, at the crossroad, deciding on which way to go. One leads to the dead end. The other, a route of success. I stood there, right at the same spot for days, with a whirlpool of chaos rushing at the back of my mind.
Complications took me away for awhile but questions brought me back home - To stay or to walk? Which direction shd i go?
Till then.
Jess+
everything dont seem right.everyone seem like breaking up.but i know there's something between us that will make me stay.
everyone can't seem to feel contented with what they have.when there's someone to pamper and coax you, you simply ask for more or the extreme- perfection.i hope after reading my entry, people start to change for a better or cherish what's before their eyes.
i ain't someone good nor bad.but i know in any r/s, people must practise "give and take". yes, is true that i cant even ask the one i love stay.just cos' of this reason, i ask people that are in a r/s to cherish before it is gone.i'm deeply in love once before; last year.i gone thru all the ups and downs with my partner.and because feeling start turning into a habit.my partner was gone before i knew.that time i was too sad to appoarch my partner,i chose to let everything go and live in denial that i had moved on.when i know i still cant go on,i turn to a someone that i dont even recongise and make things worse between us.i start throwing tantrums and insist everything in my way.in the end, i got nothing. none of the love, none of the attention i used to have.i was alone from then on.
now, i feel guilty cos' of the guys i rejected. they are nice people and yet... i choose to be single.
i know from the start i cannot commit. so i choose to reject and stay single all the way.today,girlfriends of mine start calling me and told about their r/s.i evny them but i have no reason to commit or love someone.and yah.. girls.. cherish. since u guys know that u love that person, held on tight to him/her.is nice to have people to pamper and love you. but rem COMPROMISE.dont ask for more, and ended up is too much.
facing some problems now. family problems to be actual. i need to be independent and face it with them. my result is coming out tmr. so hope everything is on track.i hope that i'm going to love my life again.
i lost my inner self. i'm just soulless. coming to the extent of slashing.i may look happy.but i'm seriously not.times after times i choose to lock myself.
people choose to end a r/s because one party thinks that is more than love, is an habit. so by breaking up, they think they did the right choice. but sadly, is no. you all are totally wrong about it. i faced one a yr ago. N-O! i suffered cos' my partner told it was a habit. we're too used together even thou' there's no feeling involve. & we choose to go separate ways. there's no U-turn for us.i still miss my ex-partner so much.is just so hard for me to let it go and move on.the memories,the tears,the laughter, etc., we shared.is priceless. there's love, one-sided, or both.those happy moments were beyond words can describe.i lost you once, and i lost you forever. however the green eyed monster never go away.the more i yearn for you.
maybe being alone now can help me to get that devilicious soul out of me.
but i miss you.
alicia.