you know i'm no good

Wednesday, January 17 @11:13 PM

Space;
Something I would like to emphasize that I need. Something that I will not tolerate to compromise. when it comes to the context of the heart. It is the most important thing to give to allow me to stay around. It is as essential as air to breathe. I never expect more from what I’m entitled to although I know that it’s only a fine line to break or move out of place. I can be a threat. You can be insecure. But I’m not even terrorizing.

Love;
It doesn’t come easy. Sometimes when you really love someone. It’s really hard to find another that will make you feel the same. As much as I don’t want it to recur, I can’t help it. I can say I love you but that don’t mean in love. I can say I’m in love but that don’t mean it was my choice. I can embrace but that don’t mean willing to reside. I can move on but that don’t mean I don’t adore you anymore. It's so complicated. Extremely sentiment frenzy. It also can be outrageous but not to the extent of being the ultimate fool.

Passion;
Something I will always accentuate about. It is the most important factor that brings someone close to my heart. Something that will drive me so crazy. Something that makes me obsesses. Something that explain why certain people still lingers in my mind. Something that drive my enthusiasm to the extreme. Something that brings out the excitement. Not so much about infatuation or attraction but simply passion-led emotions. Something many people fail to understand that passionate chemistry is the key factor beside happiness/love/anything else. BUT I say passionate chemistry is a MUST-HAVE! It's a MUST!

Thoughts;
Reeling in and spat out. Chasing the same old lines over familiar grounds. One thing I know for sure. that will be left. Unchanged. That I’m the eventual winner. My responses are out to kill. As I make sure I walk right. Then my heart don’t sink again.

Transition;
Fast like the MRT train on track. It makes me sick. Trying to catch up with the speed of sound. Trying to fight chronic trepidation. Trying to go with the flow. Of the traffic. Paying no attention to the sound of the upcoming cars. That rush down my way. With the abscond increasing of steps. Not even the policeman could stop me. I just wanted to walk as far as I could. At material time. At the same time I'm holding on to my feminine weakness just to sustain that little pride left in me. It cost too much. More than what it’s worth. Covering distances that can never reach. Reaching destinations that can never be a dream.

Memories;
They vanish in your conscience. And reappear in another form. Recollections. That I’m never possess as much as I can never let go.

Emancipation;
As much as I wanted to. Without restraint, I feel amiss. Maybe something somewhere got to give. Apparently its my heart. My heart giving in. My mind is letting out. As much say I read those signs, I just got to believe it. Force myself to believe.

Pride;
Was humbled by your humble nature. It was fine being to cautious but I was never suppose to play with fire. Neither was it your choice. Things happen for a reason and ends for another. But my game was to never be your play. My trap was never your Achilles' heel. I can only. Blame myself for being that being.

I can only apologize but I will never change who I'm. And proud. No more.

Tuesday, January 2 @1:50 AM

A story told. By a world with many points of views. Some people analysis. Some people visualize. Others made immense picture undersize. The only similarity was. They all came out with the same conclusion. But I can be ignorant sometimes. Not by will but by choice. Because this was how we got closer. Close enough to almost forget. Close enough to give up. Close enough to even move on.

Love does not mean yearning for each other. Although temptation never fail to seduce. Love does not mean gazing at each other. But it means looking together at the same direction. Be not my dearest sin. But my nearest kin. I have seen all that you have done. But I am clearer to what you have not.

For those vibes you gave me. flushed. away. my infamous pride. My confidence. you never doubted. So don’t fight with my intuition. I place my bets right. I gamble with my life as a bet. My chances. something i will never risk. So don’t try battle with my chances.

When reality checks. Your eyes. I questioned. Your hugs. I forbid. Your smile. Your lips. Your kisses. Your touch. Your heart. Your emotions. Your mood. Your moves. Your hands. Your body. Your soul. Your play. Your game. Your fun. Your voice. Your choice. My pain with no gain. My mind to store all the yours. Sealed.

The strenuous efforts. Reaching far out for me in my comfort zone. The non-existent presence. Woke me up and made me see. How one more kiss. Will be the best thing. And how one more concealed truth. Can be the worse.

I fell. and better now. Just knowing this matter well enough. I made it a game to play my life a game. I guess it is best that I trap myself in my own way. Than fall into a trap laid by others. Which I already did.

But. Thank god. Unharmed.

I don’t know where to begin of how it all ended. I don’t know whose fault it is. I don’t know what exactly happened. I don’t know when it became this serious. I don’t know how to make things right again. I don’t know why.

I’m. Still. Stuck. Here.